Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
