i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
