I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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