Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
