At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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