shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
