Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize