First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
