You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
