this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize