Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
my shit smells like andre
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
