As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
