I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
