Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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