You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
