I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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