The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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