hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i can't believe i had my finger in that
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
