so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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