I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
