i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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