I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
