I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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