Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
