were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
