i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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