Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
