Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
