I'm so fucking centered right now
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
