I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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