I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
