I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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