Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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