I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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