Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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