all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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