so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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