my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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