Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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