Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
