Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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