I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
