just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Of course I have a pirate flag
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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