Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
