there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
