Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
