theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
