T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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