I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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