oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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