U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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