I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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