Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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