I have demons in me.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
