ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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