just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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