I think I am morally bankrupt
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
