Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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