I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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