In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
