its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
