Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
